Ben's Joke Lists

Do you like your humor smart, political and topical? My weekly email joke lists are for you.

• Ben Alper’s News in Jokes skewers all the news that’s fit to print and some that isn’t.

• Bay State Bombast covers all things Massachusetts – including news with Rs and dropped Rs.

Click here to request a complimentary one-month subscription to one, two or both weekly joke lists.

If you like what you see, become a regular subscriber for $25/yr.

On Feb. 1, Punxsutawney Phil stuck his head out of his hole, saw his shadow, and was immediately seized by ICE and deported to Latvia.

Maine Sen. Susan Collins says she's “concerned” about Elon Musk. And, boy, you don't want to make Susan Collins concerned.

A disabled Rhode Island man is suing for unfair job termination after being fired from his job at a nonprofit that helps people with disabilities. The agency, Groden Network is also claiming a disability: the inability to see the irony.

NASA says a “city-killer” asteroid has a 1-in-83 chance of smashing into Earth in 2032. In related news, Chicago announced plans to move 30 feet to the left.

Scientists in China are using genetic engineering to create mice with two male parents. Read about it in their report, “Micky has 2 Dads.”

Republicans are close to confirming serial adulterer and raging alcoholic Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense – possibly making him the first cabinet officer to have a personal driver AND a personal designated driver.

Walgreens’ CEO says locking up products deters shoplifters but hurts sales – a position shared wholeheartedly by the organization, Free the Suave Shampoo Bottle Coalition.

The Supreme Court rejected Trump’s emergency request to delay today’s sentencing for his crimes in the New York “hush money” case, making him the first American president to be criminally sentenced. He also may be the first president-elect ever to utter the words, “You’ll never take me alive, copper!”

During the opening day of the Rhode Island legislative session, no one remembered to bring a Bible, so Senate president Dominick J. Ruggerio was sworn in by placing his hand on a Bible app – not a great omen since the Bible kept flashing “Potential Spam.”

Trump has picked Herschel Walker to be his Bahamas ambassador, a position that normally goes to someone who speaks English.

In order to deal with increasing levels of shopper violence, Walmart is experimenting with body cameras for employees. And in order to speed things up, it’s also introducing Self-Arrest lines.

“To avoid litigation,” Concord, New Hampshire’s capital city will allow the Satanic Temple to join their nativity scene this holiday season – because nothing says Christmas more than seeing little baby Beelzebub in a manger.

Massachusetts Gov. Healey signed an executive order creating Massachusetts’ first poet laureate role in history. It’s the state’s biggest literary news since a guy suggested, “Just for laughs, let’s call our island Nantucket.”

In her proposed budget for this year, Massachusetts Gov. Maura Healy has proposed adding a sales tax to candy. Anticipating the increased cost, the Mars company plans to introduce its new lower-priced Two Musketeers bar.

A Fall River man has been accused of intentionally smashing his car into the front of a Sandwich TD Bank at night, climbing over the wreckage and going inside. Police arrived to find him waiting for the next available teller.

Karl's Sausage Kitchen and European Kitchen in Saugus is closing after 67 years – after health inspectors finally discovered how Karl’s sausage is made.

Accused killer Karen Read’s dog bite expert is testifying again. Dr. Marie Russell faced hours of questioning last month. In fact, she almost lost her temper on the stand until her lawyer rubbed her belly and gave her a treat.

A man attempting to flee police while robbing a Fall River house, became stuck while hiding in the building’s chimney. According to the arresting officer’s report: “But I heard him exclaim as he dove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all and help I’m stuck!!"

Local car dealer magnate Herb Chambers is donating $100 million for the Mass General Hospital expansion, a cancer treatment tower that will bear his name, and the $100 million will be minus, of course, delivery processing and handling fees.

Boston transit police arrested a 27-year-old woman for DUI after she drove her car inbound on the Green Line trolley tracks at Coolidge Corner around 2:30 a.m., then tried to flee down the tracks at “a high rate of speed.” In her defense, she did stop 3 times to pick up passengers.

It’s been reported federal authorities are investigating Boston city councilor Tania Fernandes Anderson for possibly, among other things, hiring her sister and son to city hall jobs, then immediately giving them raises. When asked to justify the hirings, she said, “They’re the most qualified relatives I have.”

President Biden and First Lady Jill Biden will be spending their final Thanksgiving as first couple on Nantucket. As is his tradition, he will pardon a green bean casserole.

MIT announced its first illusionist-in-residence. On her first day on the job, Jeanette Andrews sawed a freshman in half.

Boston Mayor Michelle Wu, who's expected to give birth in January, says she intends to run for another term in office. In fact, she has a new slogan: Vote for Wu, She’ll Produce AND Reproduce for You.

For the first time in nearly 15 years, the MBTA’s Orange Line subway is now speed restriction free. The bad news: The first test run just passed Albany and is heading west.