Biden’s dog Major, who was banished from the White House for biting, will be returning. However, he’ll have to wear Stephen Miller’s old muzzle.
 

How low key was Biden’s press conference? The most contentious moment came when he asked to take a 5-minute break to play Words with Friends.
 

A wax replica of Trump currently at Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks in San Antonio had to be moved to storage because visitors kept punching it in the face. Also, people who hit it complained about being splattered with spray tan and Cheeto dust.
 

The Ellen DeGeneres Show has lost over one million viewers since she was accused of running a “toxic” workplace. On the plus side, her standard severance package no longer includes a do-it-yourself tar and feathering kit.
 

Publisher Simon & Schuster announced a forthcoming children’s book about Dr. Fauci. They’ve already hired someone to research words that rhyme with “global pandemic.”
 

Bill Gates has predicted that the world won't return to normal until the end of 2022. In the meantime, his man servant will continue to wear latex gloves when carrying him from room to room.
 

A police detective in Pennsylvania is divorcing wife after she was seen in videos at the US Capitol riot with other man. The tearful officer cried, “I can’t believe she left me for another seditionist.”
 

A woman who falsely claimed to be Pete Davidson's wife was arrested inside his home. A judge has also ordered them to get some fake counseling.
 

Krispy Kreme said it would give one glazed doughnut per day for the rest of the year to anyone who provides proof of a Covid-19 vaccination – plus a free insulin shot.
 

A man in Ocala, FL stole a train and took it for a 10-mile joyride. The engineer said he was tricked when the robber told him, “I just need to drive to the corner to buy a newspaper.”